Breaking Through the Wall of “Invisibility Silence”

In 2015, I began a deconstruction project on myself. Most of the words below were written in 2016 when I really began to understand that I could not move forward in my life until I broke through the wall I had built to keep myself “safe.” This famous wall that everyone talks about is a prison that steals our voices, confidence, and ability to belong. The way I broke through was by analyzing how my wall was ruining my life and relationships, and by realizing that it was stopping me from truly living life. In today’s world of rampant social media, pressures to conform, and covid quarantine, it’s so important that we stay connected to our true selves so that we can learn to bond with each other in unity and in love.

Words from 2016:

This wall of supposed protection that we build up around ourselves is too casually referred to… “You have a wall up,”… “It’s hard to get through your wall.”  Too often, we speak about the wall like it’s expected and normal, when we really need to take off our shoes, put our feet in the dirt and get a closer look at its construction. What is your wall made of? Look at every particle. Run your hands across the surface and study each trial, memorize each failure, remember every bit of hurt you endured that caused those sections to close together with precision, and to indestructibly bond with mortar made of pain, resentment, and shame. It’s all very overwhelming, and each piece of the wall has its own story to tell… but just when your mind starts to justify the need for the wall, your hand glides across this one brick that seems a bit… loose, and a little more worn than the others. This brick is the one you have been removing from the inside, creating a little peephole to look through at the outside world, wondering what it’s like “out there…” but then you quickly shove it back in place and retreat behind the wall once again. Are you safe now? The illusion is that the wall is a protector, but it just masquerades as one. A large monument that towers into the sky, on fire with power cannot go unnoticed. Over time, the captor on the inside starts to realize that the wall might be keeping out some bad things, but the damage that is happening on the inside is much worse…

Why do we build? In most cases, it’s because others have hurt us so badly that we simply refuse to let anyone else get close to us. The mistreatment and hurt from our past inspires us to build, and build forever. But the wall doesn’t keep war out… it keeps us trapped in a different kind of war inside; the silence of invisibility. Here’s how:

Every time we want to speak, we don’t.

Every time we want to contribute, we don’t.

Every time we want to belong, we don’t.

Every time we want to love and to be loved in return, we can’t.

Because we’re behind the wall.

For me, every time I want to BE and I don’t, that piece of who I am—my opinion, personality, desire for love— breaks apart from the whole of me and floats into the spaces between the bricks, reinforcing the strength of the wall at a weak spot I had been tapping away at to make an escape opening. Every time a piece of me vanishes in these situations, instead of making the opening in the wall bigger, it closes back over again. This “safety” system of total destruction holds me in an endless loop of tear down, rebuild.. tear down, rebuild.. and each time it happens, I disappear into the wall more and more, becoming no one. What happens to me back there in the dark, and all alone… is nothing short of torment.

“I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

We think that we are protecting ourselves or others, but what actually happens when we stop contributing our voices, feelings, opinions, and our physical presence in life, is that we start to decompose behind a fortress of invisibility and silence. If we have others trapped behind the wall WITH us—those we take care of, have power over, or our children—it can destroy them as well. Over and over again, the damage of feeling non-existent starts to shape us. Personally, this is how my wall has ruined most of my relationships: Someone hurts me and I don’t speak up because I don’t feel safe expressing myself (due to my past) OR I don’t want to hurt them. The person continues to hurt me, and I start to pull away from the relationship because I no longer trust that person with ME, and that hurts THEM. The person I pull away from can feel it… and they can feel it so strongly that they end up abandoning me. But if you ask them, they’d probably say it feels like I abandoned them first. It’s a sad and lonely loop to live in.

In short, it’s not possible to have successful relationships if there’s a wall between ourselves and the other person. Let that sink in… it’s not that we can’t bond, it’s that we won’t allow anyone close enough for the bond to happen. Clarity! There’s nothing “wrong” with us after all.

Words from today:

How can we deconstruct the wall?

1 – We must realize that it’s not helping us, but hindering us in most cases. When we are not present in our own lives, we’re not really living.

2 – Keeping ourselves (and others we have with us) invisible to things like conflict, distress, and hurt isn’t going to achieve a pain-free existence. In fact, it might make the transition back out into reality even more difficult when the time comes.

3 – Stop the loop of invisibility silence with this little, but effective action: Tell someone how you feel today, and EXIST.

4 – Repeat step 3 over and over again until it becomes your new way of life.

For decades, I worked diligently on building a wall around myself… but once I began to open up, speak up, and have the courage to show myself to others, I was tearing the wall down, and NOT rebuilding it. Instead of retreating, each time I chose to tell someone how I felt, I had the power to knock over entire sections of the wall with a mere whisper of declaration. I truly couldn’t believe how freeing it felt and how, over time, piece by piece, I watched the whole thing crumble to the ground. Sun light came flooding in… flowers bloomed… I could see my future in the near distance… I even started to have people over for snacks and conversation, and I smiled with joy watching them skip up through the remnants of a once isolated soul—through the rubble of a wall that was now a beautiful cobblestone walkway directly to my heart.

So, are you tired like I was yet? We’re weary from holding on to the belief that living behind a wall is helping us when we know the hard truth is that we must break through it if we want a better future for ourselves and for those we love. Our walls do not protect us… they silence our voices, isolate us, and deteriorate opportunities for fellowship and love. These walls are built using blueprints designed by the enemy to block our true paths. Destroy this dark tower in Jesus’ name, and step out into the light, beloved! God’s blueprints will build you a life rich with love, joy, and freedom. Today, let’s begin to free ourselves. Oh, that enormous, famous wall that everyone always talks about… let’s stop talking about it and giving it strength. Instead…

Let’s talk about us.

Let’s talk about the things we love and the things we hate.

Let’s contribute and have a voice.

Let’s express when we’re hurt—

When we can’t take it anymore.

Let’s express when we want more—

More love, more connection, more space, or more support.

Let’s open up and try to trust each other.

Let’s share.

Let’s hug, cry and laugh together.

Let’s exist in the now.

Let’s BE.

Let’s BElong again.

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And the Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.” – Acts 18:9-10

Written by: Michelle TK