Ready is Not a Season

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.” 

– Psalm 34:4

My friends: In the midst of the chaos that has gripped our world and transformed our lives forever, I would like to share a story with you that may help you find true freedom within the confinements of your home and mind. As we try to grasp the current events, we are all experiencing our own versions of quarantine. I would bet even the most secure, introverted, or happy person is still experiencing the weight that comes with being alone with one’s thoughts. We are also in a new year, and just breaking into a new season, which usually brings about change and/or growth in some way. But are you ready? Are you ready to open the door to what a new season of yourself may look like? I have gone through some major changes over the last few years of my life and the growing pains have been excruciating, but worth it. The thing is… I was the only person who delayed my own growth and I knew it. In my darkest times, I used to say to God, “One day I’m going to be happy but today is not that day.” I wasn’t ready.

A couple of years ago, a dear friend of mine who I had lost contact with for several years and then reconnected with was helping me through my troubles… but at first, I did not know he was also struggling. The night we saw each other for the first time in 7 years, he told me he had backslid into heroin; that he knew it was fentanyl he was doing. He looked at me from across the sofa, and said: “My sober friends have been trying to reach me. I feel so bad because I’ve been dodging them. I can’t face them because I feel like I Iet them down. I know they only care about me… but I’M NOT READY YET.” I heard the words of a young, amazing, intelligent, talented, and caring man sound like a dead man walking; like he “knew” his future was sealed. Four days later, he tragically overdosed…… I think about him often and so many of the good memories about him, but I can’t help remembering that chilling phrase, “I’m not ready yet.” What if he had reached back out to his friends? What made him feel unready? Why did I feel unready for so long? What is “ready?”

Then one day, in the middle of an anxiety attack, I had a simple but profound awakening: “I am the only one keeping me in this situation.” Suddenly I realized that I had power. I was not weak at all. I just needed to stop standing in my own way. Would I call it “ready?” I think I would call it WILLING instead. Please remember that fear never completely goes away; it’s like a rabid dog snarling at the entrance of your home, just waiting for you to let the gate down so he can dash in and devour you. But realize that YOU control him. You can take the gate down and tell him to SIT and STAY. In the most peaceful of times, I swear that you will pass by the door and see him sleeping. If you don’t entertain him, he will not bother you or threaten you, but he will always be there.

My best defense against my demons is by figuring out how they make me strong in a positive way, so I can at least see them as neutral— although ever present— and we co-exist together in a relationship where I accept them, but I do not allow them to control me or threaten me. To this day, I never feel completely “ready” to undertake any new challenge or obstacle, but I am always WILLING. Why? Because it’s better than self-inflicted quarantine. So today, remember that you are the only one who is letting fear keep you in the house… the house of your past, your brokenness, your mistakes, your failures, and your shame. The next time he comes for you, and he will come for you, be willing to trust yourself and take control. The only way fear wins is by keeping you in the house of lies that bind you in quarantine forever. Make peace with this demon dog… and the next time he is sleeping, step over him and venture out for some fresh air. “Ready” is not a season, but WILLING is, and it can be all year long if you want.

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~To my friend: Thank you for accepting me for who I am. At your service, I found out that’s how you made everyone feel. <3 You are loved and missed.~

Written by: Michelle TK