The Messenger at the Gas Pump
The sneaky thing about giving up is that it’s really not a declaration you make one day. It doesn’t happen “one morning” or after a specific event. Giving up is a state of existence, and a way of life that you realize one day you have already been living in for some time. It’s not a decision; it’s something that happens without you knowing it. I understand this now, but several years ago when I was weathering a personal hurricane, I had no idea what the difference was between giving up, and “giving it to God,” until one chilly Pittsburgh morning when I met a messenger of God at a gas pump.
Now, I believe that everyone in this life is blessed; all of us in different ways, but surely all blessings are gifts from God that are freely given, and need not be earned. In my life, where I have lacked connection, support, and love from other people, God has shown up every time and provided what was needed. Is it always easy to accept this when I see others in this world living abundant lives rich with friends, family, and community? No. Does the Bible remind us over and over again that His love is all we need? Yes. So, I try to derive my strength from His promise of that in all of the lonely times. I have witnessed signs from God being “with me” more times than I can remember, more times than I have written about, more times than I deserve; nonetheless, in opening my heart to receive them, they just keep on coming, whether I ask for them or not. God has shown up for me through many different vehicles, and usually I believe He is there, listening for His instructions. Then in 2010, I thought that God had brought a hurricane to my heart, and that it would be the biggest test of my Faith yet. I told myself, “This is OK, I have Faith. Through God, all things are possible.” In actuality, my Faith was tested in such a way, that I realized I had no real concept of its meaning.
The sneaky thing about pain is that it’s not really a feeling, it’s a state of existence, and a way of life that you realize one day is a place that isn’t trapping you, but a place you’re trapping yourself in. At the time, I held onto the pain like it was my life line in a storm because I believed it was part of me, and my cross to bear. The tighter I hugged it, the harder the winds of agony pushed against me, winding deep into my heart, rusting my spirit, and smothering my light. Job came to mind. But how did I use Job to help me endure this? Like a foolish child, I only recalled his pain. I focused on his “woe is me” pleas to the Heavens and refused to acknowledge the true reason for Jobs story. “I am Job,” I thought, as I cried out to ask God why he had brought this upon me. “I will suffer my whole life and never get through this. I am certainly Job!” And the storm pushed into me with relentless fury.
Then I heard God’s mighty voice answering my pleas like a patient parent who is helping along a tantrum filled child.
“Are you done with all of this now? Are you going to stop this?”
“No. I’m not done. This pain is real and I need to accept it. This is my life now.”
Every night was hell, every morning was worse. Every moment of life was being crushed by the storm, and I allowed it to happen, punishing myself by letting it break my will. I believed I had to. But through it all, His voice was telling me to stop it. The tears never ended, as I shut Him out. Unrecognizable as mirrors caught the reflection of a heart broken corpse, I told myself the pain was making me ugly. Then His gentle, Fatherly voice would fill up my soul, saying, “Why are you hurting yourself? Why can’t you see yourself as I see you? Are you ready to quit this now?” But still, I refused to let it go. And onward I went into the eye of the wreckage.
Then one day, exhausted of the fight, withered into a skeleton, and shaking in fear, Job came to mind. Wasn’t Job blessed at the end of his trials? Had I forgotten about the multiple blessings God had reminded Job of? I thought… God has been telling me this whole time to stop wallowing, and I have refused to listen because I am a stubborn, arrogant child, who can’t surrender over my trust to God. But let me just… for one second… and I don’t have any expectations… but just for a second, let go of this… and one morning I simply said:
“God, I’m done now… I’m tired. I quit.”
As soon as I said it, the storm immediately began to break apart. In disbelief, and within minutes, I was transformed. God didn’t bring the storm to me, I was creating it.
“I got your message… and I could have avoided months of pain if only I was willing to be humble enough to trust you in the beginning. I feel ashamed that it took me so long to listen.”
But He wasn’t done with me that morning. Knowing that I’m always the stubborn 100th sheep that He consistently leaves the 99 for, He had to be sure I heard His mighty voice, and would never ignore Him again.
Feeling a sense of relief, I left for work, and stopped for gas at the Sunoco on Ohio River Blvd. In the frosty twilight of early morning, I parked at the gas pump, got out of my car, and was fumbling to grab my debit card with freezing hands. I stopped what I was doing when I noticed that out of my peripheral, a man was walking toward me.
“I like the rosary you have hanging in your car mirror,” he called to me as he was coming over.
“Thank you…” I responded, as I put my wallet in my purse, forgetting what I was doing.
“You’re a believer of Jesus Christ?” he asked me.
“Yes, I am…”
He walked directly up to me and grabbed both of my hands.
“God is listening to all of the prayers you have been praying. You have been praying so much and wondering if He has heard them and if He is with you. He has heard them all. Never stop praying.”
“Well, I…”
“No, don’t tell me any specifics of what you’re going through; I’m just the messenger,” he said as he pulled a heavy rosary from his back pocket. He placed it in my hand and closed my fingers around it, while he gently cradled both of my hands in his.
“God has been talking to me since I was a child. He tells me when and who I should approach. He guides me in what I say. It’s clear; very clear, like looking at a sunset for you. Have you ever looked at a sunset and didn’t know what it was? That’s how clearly God speaks to me. And today, He wanted me to tell you that He is with you, he has heard every one of your prayers, and you’re on the path you should be on.”
I couldn’t move or speak.
“You can cry if you want to,” he said, “you don’t have to be shy. I know that when I approach people with God’s word that they often feel very emotional like they need to cry.”
In complete shock, and feeling the tears about to erupt, I just couldn’t cry; I was a statue.
“You feel the cold outside right now? It’s winter. Do you notice anything? Do you notice what your hands feel like right now?”
And before he said the word, I thought of it- warm. My hands weren’t just warm, they were hot!
“Most people say when they hold my rosary, it feels very warm to them in their hands. Do you believe that Jesus has heard all of your prayers?”
I nodded, still in disbelief. Still saying nothing. I looked down and opened my hands to let the cold air of the morning rush into them, but there was only warmth.
He gently picked up the rosary from my hands and said, “I hope you will always know that God loves you, He is with you, and I wish you all the best.”
He smiled and walked away. I don’t think I actually moved until I realized my hands were freezing again. It was like time stopped, this supernatural thing happened to me, and then it was back to the hustle of people around me coming and going from the gas station, getting gas and coffee to start the daily grind. I snapped out of it a little bit, got some gas, and then got into my car where I surrendered to a flood of tears. Could God have been any more direct at a time I needed Him the most? I gave up the fight and turned my pain over to Him, and the first thing He did was come to me in the flesh to tell me that He’s with me.
Faith is not just about trusting God, it’s about being humble and surrendering the humanistic desire to believe you already know the outcome. It’s not just about “giving it to God” if you’re giving it out of skepticism, anger, or without sincerity. It’s not about being complacent or mourning in endless pain. Faith means that you seek God’s will for your life with all of your heart, might, and spirit- whatever that may be.
“When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make you so small
When you’re the one who holds it all?
When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?”
– Natalie Grant
Written by: Michelle TK